i’m so unhappy. ha.

first time i have hung out with my best friends in a while and had some what of an enlightening conversation. i missed them so much. time to go back to the good ol days. if they were ever even good i suppose in retro spect. but more of the acknowledgement that once upon a time i actually was happy. and it was with them. and we are all makin a cautious attempt to get back to how we once were. i could not be happier. in all reality , i think being single. or at least being on my own, mingling or not. will be the best medicine for me. it has been too fucking long since i was able to be like, ay i am happy and enjoy what is happening in my life right now. i am sick of letting people…well the boys i have dated bring me down, and make me loose sight of my goals, and the person i want to be. it is not a big step but it is progression. and tomorrow we are starting, and i can not wait for our sleep over and just another general night of being with the people who once completed me as a whole. i lost sight of them. and maybe even pushed away. but there defiantly was a reason we were even friends to begin with. and i feel now more then ever, that maybe, just maybe, we might finally be getting back to how we use to be. and i hope that just like jasmine said that in 5 years from now. we do have better experiences to talk about. i can not handle saying any more just oh i have been here just kickin it like usual. i need to fucking live. i need to fucking find the things in life i enjoy. i need to be happy. i need to lose weight and be the person i feel and know i can be.

i cant even describe how trapped and out of control i feel currently. worst situation of my life, why can he not understand the space i need. or the fact that we really will just not work out right now. no matter how hard i try. ive given this relationship fucking every thing over the pass. and i have never been one to walk away from a relationship. but this time its just not going to work. this doesnt go any where postive. at least not right now. right now if we continue on this way . were either going to whine up in jai or just fucking hating one another for a really fucking long time. and that is not to say if we end now that he wont hate me for a long fucking time, but at least after that time there is more time. and time to change and maybe if things do change. and he changes and i change. and we learn how to communicate and progress as human beings then maybe one day we can learn to progress together. as one. it is just the fact that this relationshp has become more of a hassle. its nothing i gain any happiness from any more. all i ever am is depressed and stressed. and no matter how many times i try to break it off he just comes back even more, and if i do agree to continue to see him, then he throws everything in my face. and wont let me forget my mistakes. there is no good outcome from where this is heading now. he tells me to quit leading him on and wasting his time. but i have told him multiple times look this is not going to work out. and ya i hang out with him and have sex with him. i thought we could do that and not be in a reltionship. but its not that easy. when im his first. and his first girlfriend. i guess i wouldnt be able to handle it either. he is in love with me.and i know that with all my other boyfriends i would of never been able to walk away. or handle them “cheating” on me. but with him its different i am just so fucking over it at this point that i suppose i really do nnot give a fuck. i love him. and maybe i am just fucked up. maybe i am fucking this all over. but i physcially and mentally can not be in a relationship with him. its killing me. each and every fucking day. i dont know what to do. he will not go away. and i have been hurt many times by boys. and i feel so fucking horrible inside seeing him go through the same pain that i have. i feel as tho i am in love with him and will love him forever. but at the same time i am so sick of him. maybe we are just better best friends. thats the only time i am happy with him. when we are hanging out. and not talkin about relationships. idont know what to do. if i tell him look this is real i can not be with you. it will just lead to more rage and him lashing out. and i dont want that. worst situation ever. ughhhh end rant.

tumblrbot: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

taco bell.

( i am only posting this because i found it to be relevant to how i am feeling currently)

 Observation Paper

This weekend I watched two television shows on Netflix, one was Stan Lee’s Super Humans and the other was Heavy. Super Humans by definition are humans that have beyond ordinary skills, powers, or ability to that of a general human. The show is all about either humans that just happened to be born with genetic mutations that differ from the general human. But on the other hand some of the super humans in the show were just merely people that pushed them selves to be beyond ordinary humans. Many of the super humans in the show were merely super human all from the self discipline of their very own minds. Through intensive meditation and determination to be the things they wanted to be and to do the things they wanted to do. They are people that never saw something beyond ordinary and thought well that is impossible or I can not do that. They are the people that see the extraordinary and think what do I have to do within my self to make this a reality for me.

Heavy on the other hand is a show about extremely obese humans. That have let them selves wither away and have lost them selves within their food addictions. They are on the borderline of death, because within them selves they feel as if they are trapped or can not stop the actions they are taking. The general mentality of the obese people in the show is that they can not achieve these goals of losing weight or not gaining weight. And when they get on the show they are pushed too their personal breaking points where they continue their pattern of saying this is something I can not do. And they attempt to fail before they have even started. In a sense they are not even failures, for in order to even be a failure by definition is to attempt something and then therefore not succeed in that actions. But if one does not even attempt, then they literally can not even fail. They just do not even try, or even go for it at all.

I observed this to all be interesting because even though people that remain to stay obese in a sense are, or more I view them, to be mentally weak. But even though the people on the show at one time were, they are on that show because they are choosing to no longer be weak minded. They are choosing to change I can not do this to I can do this. The power of self motivation and the power of positive thinking is what I view to be absolutely incredible. If these super humans can define what is know to be the human tolerance point of pain, or be able to define what most would consider to be fear all from the mere power of their own minds. They over come what is thought to be impossible. If every one thought if I stab a huge needle through my own arm and it will not hurt, and be able to mentally prepare for such intensity through mediation to make the actions okay within their own ideas of logic and what is thought to be right and wrong. If everyone could look at a box and see not the box but everything it could be or is currently being. If one could erase the borderlines of the box their mind is in, and think out side those borders to not what is pain as I know it, not what is fear as I know, not what are possibilities as I know. But more what are all these meanings for me, what is my pain tolerance, my fears, my possibilities and just how far exactly can I push this tool, my body. Then maybe just then everyone, everything, could prosper.

I know for my self, that I am astonished by all of the super humans I have seen on that show. But I am also aware that I like many others, I assume, am weak minded. And I view these abilities to be out of my reach and I think in the sense of my self that I can not accomplish these things. But I do not want to be weak minded, if it is merely a matter of a state of mind to accomplish everything I view to be so desirable. Then I this I know what I must do, in order to succeed and find gratitude in my own self being. I am aware that it is only a matter of pushing the borderlines of my own mentality to what may seem extraordinary to the ordinary. All I know is that I can not, is not even a reasonable answer. I know that I am capable of all things, of being everything that any of the other idolized humans on earth are. Because I too and made up of the exact same biology. All I know is that I can do anything.